Divorce Jokes for Husband and Ex wife


Divorce Jokes One Liners

  1. Divorce is basically life giving you a participation medal
  2. Getting a divorce is like getting fired from a job you’ve hated for years
  3. Divorce is like getting out of jail but not having any money to do anything cool.
  4. #divorce is like gravity’s impact on an aging body. It exists whether we want to admit it or not.
  5. A bad divorce is like a good game of Risk. You can’t recall a single thing about Kamchatka, but damned if it isn’t worth killing for.
  6. Getting a divorce is like getting a new phone, you keep telling people how great it is and try to convince everybody to get one too
  7. Getting a divorce is like getting LASIK surgery. You sometimes see your ex clearly for the first time. Not liking what I’m seeing.
  8. “Getting a divorce is like paying a parking ticket” my grandpa everyone..
  9. Your ex wife asking to be friends after getting a divorce is like……Kidnappers asking to “keep in touch” after letting you go…
  10. Divorce is like an airplane bathroom; you’ll be blamed for whatever preceded you.
  11. Divorce is like leaving home after high school, except with half your shit.
  12. A Divorce is like a newly discovered rare painting. They cost a lot because they’re worth the money.
  13. Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass but when it passes, its freedom from Pain
  14. “Divorce is like having a garage sale. You set your junk on the lawn and someone comes along and snaps it up like a treasure.” by ME

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Q. What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick.

Q: Why is marriage not a word?
A: It’s a life sentence!

Q: If marriage is grand what is divorce?
A: Ten grand!

Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the sockets go with the house.

Q: What should you do after a man steals your wife?
A: Let him keep her!

Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too many, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!

Q: How do you know your wife is a good housekeeper?
A: After the divorce she keeps the house!

Q: What happens if you miss your Ex-Wife?
A: Get better aim!

Q: Why do most men hate getting married by a Judge?
A: Because they should have asked for a jury!

Q: Have you heard about the divorce diet?
A: After signing on the dotted line and you lose 200 pounds of dead weight.

Q: What is Alimony?
A: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

Q: Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll?
A: She comes with all of Ken’s stuff!

Q: Why did the woman want a divorce on the grounds of religious differences?
A: He thought he was God and she didn’t!

Q: How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
A: She’s bungee jumping for joy.

Q: Why is marriage is a three ring circus>
A: An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring!

Q: What are the two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman?
A: Before marriage and after marriage!

Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild,but when they go, they take your house and car.

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again!

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced

Once I am married, divorce is not an option. My kids are going to have a mother and a father.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Custody Case

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”

Twenty Years Ago
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

“What’s the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?” she asked.

“Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?” he asked.

“Yes, I do,” she replied.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'”

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, “You know…I would have gotten out today.”

Pragmatic Wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, “Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 51 year old blonde. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

Now the wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 21 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and if he was lucky he would have a small television to watch.

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said “Which one of you slept with my wife.”
and a guy in the back stands up and says “You dont have enough bullets.”

Getting back in the Game
I was talking to this fit blonde lady lastnight in the pub. She asked me, so whats going on with you.
I said i’m just going tru a long divorce, she said oh no do you have any kids I said yeah ten.
She asked are you gonna get custody of them. I said, well not realy she’ll only give me the fat ones.

Husband Wife

Husband: “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
Wife: “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Husband: Dear do you know that exams are like women?
Wife: How funny?
Husband: Yes, they are tough to understand, complicated, lots of questions and the result is always doubtful..

Husband: Do you want a kiss?
Wife: No.
Husband: Do you remember what i just said?
Wife: Do you want a kiss?
Husband: Yes, if you insist..

Husband: Amazing world, only 25% of men have common sense, very short figure!
Wife: What about Rest?
Husband: Well rest are Married!

Wife: Honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear!’
Husband: Kitchen, living room, laundry, dining room……’

Husband: “Hey babe, you smell that?”
Wife: “No.”
Husband: “Me neither, start cooking.”

Wife: I want to end up our relationship, I am going to return you everything you gave me..
Husband: What a joke? Okay then, let’s start with Kisses!”

Husband: Just because you have your period doesn’t mean you can be a bitch.
Wife: Oh well just because you have a d*ck doesn’t mean you can be one.

Husband: “Life’s a bitch, just like you.”
Wife: “Actually life is short, just like your d*ck.”

Wife: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?
Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off

Wife: I have changed my mind.
Husband: Thank God! Does the new one work now?

Wife: How many women have you slept with?
Husband: Only you, Darling… with all the others I was awake….

Wife: “Go to hell.”
Husband: “I’m sorry, I can’t go to hell. They kicked my ass out. I was caught selling ice.”

Wife : Babe , What’s Your Fav Position?
Husband : When I got down on one knee and made you my wife.

Husband: You know it’s a proven fact that women talk twice as much as men!
Wife: That’s because we have to repeat everything we tell our husbands!
Husband: What?

Wife: “There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
Husband: (smirks)
Wife: “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
Husband: “Absolutely not,”
Wife: “How Sweet!”
Husband: “The season’s more than half over!”

First Husband: “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Husband: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Funny Jokes About why Wife wants Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
“Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
“Mommy,” the little girl asks, “How old are you?”
“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns.
“It is not polite.”
“OK,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “These are personal questions and are really none of your business.”
Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“Those are enough questions, honestly!”
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.
“Well,” said the friend, “All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.”
The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.”
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”
“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”
“Oh really?” the mother asks.
“Because you got an F in s*x.

2 girls meet:
“Me & my husband are no longer together…”
“Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?”
“No, of course I couldn’t!”
“Well he couldn’t either!”

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.
“I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s f**king goofy!”

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year.”
“Okay,” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him” said the guy.
“I caught him in bed with my board.”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel!! No, think of another
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women….know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy….”
The genie asked, “Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?”

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.
He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: “Mister, you’d better watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”

A divorce court judge said to the husband,”Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I’ve decided to give your wife $800 a week.”
“That’s very fair,your honour,” he replied.
“And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”