[Like me] if you smell like a freshly toasted Pop-Tart
I have a job, a car, and I won’t send you any d*ck pics.
Let’s play Mario Kart.
Call me a musician. Call me a comedian. Call me a writer. Call me mildly addicted to coffee. Or just call me [my name].
Sorry ladies, I don’t have the dad bod you want, but I also have the dad jokes you don’t want.
Are you looking for a bad boy? Then you’re in luck, I’m bad at everything.
Eh, I’ll do this part when I think of something clever.
Do you know who else likes food and travel? Everyone.
Looking for a badass. Already have a good ass.
I was a Gerber baby. I once won a regional hot dog eating competition. Chrissy Teigen used my banana bread recipe on her secret food blog.
I’m double-jointed. My cat is in an extremely popular meme. I was bitten by a dolphin in Maui.
All you need to lure me into your car is wine and pizza.
Funny, handsome, and stupid.
Dogs love me.
Looking at my phone searching for a reason to stop looking at my phone.
You can’t play hard and work hard. If you say that, you’re not doing either hard enough. (I don’t work very hard.)
Whisper sweet NPRs to me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a bunch of people on an app, and asking them to love me.
The last guy who swiped left on me aged so quickly he shriveled up into an old man skeleton thing before he turned into dust and died a swift yet horrifying death.
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Last vacation was to see the basement of the Alamo. Wasn’t what I thought it was going to be but I had a big adventure.
Song that sums up my life: Hand in my Pocket (Alanis gets me)
Songs that describe my life: 👌 God is a woman by Ariana Grande 👌 Titanium by David Guetta 👌 White and Nerdy by Weird Al
In the event of a zombie apocalypse… I’d immediately steal the Egyptian presidential yacht. Load it up with tater tots and Missy Elliot records. Take it out to the middle of the Pacific and get my tan on. Life’s short anyway, I want to go out in style.
In the zombie apocalypse, I’d be the first one to be bitten. Have you seen zombies? They’re glorified hipsters, and never in my life have I been able to resist a hipster.
I’ve always known I’d be a boarder. I’m surprised how often I still fall on my ass.
I’ve always known the secret to happiness is gratitude. I’m still always surprised and humbled by how much I have in my life to be grateful for!
Pro: loves dogs Con: will spoon dog instead of you
Pro: makes a mean guac Con: doesn’t know how to make anything other than guac
Pro: can carry a tune Con: will burst into song in public settings
Dogs are overrated. The empire did nothing wrong. Cards Against Humanity is boring and lazy. Burger King fries > McDonalds fries.
-Your baby is not that cute. -Jim and Pam are manipulative and cruel. -Sitting in traffic is more stress-relieving than s*x.
Sushi, not working out, Bo Burnham, pineapple upside-down cake, haunted houses, Childish Gambino, Overwatch
I could never give up mint chocolate chip ice cream (Breyers, preferably), chick lit, musical theater, or Jeopardy.
Would you rather be able to eat anything you want and not get fat or be well rested on one hour of sleep?
Would you rather be able to converse with all animals or… be fluent in all (human) languages?
I can do a better Gollum impression than Andy Serkis. Exceptional magic skills, specifically sleight of hand.
Extremely accurate snowball thrower. My cord management is both compulsive and flawless. I can touch my nose with my tongue.